11 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Little Bitch

11. You might as well have legitimate tears in your eyes when I kick your ass at guitar hero.

10. You "conveniently" twist your ankle just before I beat you at the longest game of around the world ever.

9. Did I mention I beat you in a sudden death Tiger Woods golf playoff? Don't try and hide it. When you had to go to the bathroom right after, I swear I heard weeping.

8. The sole purpose of the Valentines Day present you bought me was to get me drunk.

7. The one day I don't make you tea your whole world is turned upside down. Everyone knows how fucking easy it is to make tea.

6. It takes you three days to decide to purchase a pair of kick ass pants that are already 80% off the MSRP. What more do you want? Buy the fucking pants already!! Better yet buy two pairs they're pants I promise you'll wear them and if you don't I will. Baby loves those pants.

5. You constantly make me wear my seat belt. I hate seat belts. They're bullshit and they exponentially diminish the cool rebel thing I've got going on.

4. You scold me when I swear in front of 10 year olds. They're going to hear it anyways might as well be from me.

3. A 2 foot tall 5 year old knocked you out. Nuff said you know what I'm talking about old guy.

2. You wouldn't let me kick that chicks ass that waited for me to go to the bathroom to hit on you. "Baby I was just looking for the other half of this bottle!"

1. Your room mate has the flu and you quarantine me in your room for like a week and when you do let me venture out of the barracks I have to wash my hands like thirty times..... then you tell me NOT to touch my face, which effectively just makes me want to touch my eyes, nose and mouth ten times more than if you hadn't said anything at all. The worst part is that you know that and I'm pretty sure you just say it now to fuck with me. Not cool baby, not cool.

- erin

10 things I hate about you...

10. You've been at my apartment (and because my roommate has the flu, in my room) for the last 178 out of a possible 182 hours, giving me about three hours over the last week to find the time to update this blog. Instead, I chose to play FIFA on mute.

9. The Valentine's Day gift you bought me obviously cost way less than the one I got you.

8. I don't care that you "made it." That's just a cop out for "having no job/money."

7. Your hair is so fucking itchy. If you want to spoon, shave your head.

6. Don't fucking shave your head.

5. I'm just going to have to cut down the spooning time; whatever, we'll talk about that later.

4. You've pissed me off to the point I've fucked up this list.

3. You didn't make me tea this morning, something you have done every time you've slept over thus far. (And when I finally realized what hadn't happened, I was already running late and had to leave tea-less.)

2. Do you really understand what happens when I don't have my tea?

I drive to work pissed off that I don't have something to sip on. Spend the first three hours of the day thinking, I really need to go make tea. Go to lunch. Spend the next two hours thinking, I should go make some tea. Finally make tea; take a few sips. Work for two hours. Gather my things, walk outside with a cold, half-full cup of tea. Dump the tea in a bush.

1. I do enough as it is for my company. Last thing I should be doing is watering their fucking shrubbery.

– ERIC

Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know

Upset, disturbed, devastated etc.... you really don't know me at all. I thought we shared a deep rooted connection. That illusion was shattered this morning when I read your blog post.

Brian Austin Green!! David!! Really!!

What kind of girl do you think I am? I need a moment....................

I'm back....

If you loved me you would know that I was a Dylan girl all the way. He was Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know.... Hey if you piled all your hair on top of your head James Dean style and wrinkled your forehead a little....... I'm just saying, think about it, Valentines Day is coming up and a Brenda/Dylan costume party might be fun.

I have to go 90210 is on in 20 minutes and I have to get ready.....

- erin

"Bullshit" is one word.

I know you don't give a shit about your grammar, but I knew your last post was bullshit immediately. Way to go and fake a "study." Maybe if you "studied" more in college, you would:

a.) Know how to spell.
b.) Have a job, other than watching "90210" reruns all day and faking studies that are more confusing than your grasp of the English language.

Come to think of it, if you were "always right," as your study asserts, wouldn't you (according to your 15-year-old self) be dating Bryan Austin Greene right now, instead of lucky ol' me?

Isn't he perfect!

Come here hunky man! Satisfy my every whim! 9021-Ohhhhhhhh!

As a matter of fact, I think you should give him a call anyway; I mean, just look at him.

You think I can compete with that?

• My only 6-pack is in the fridge.

• My only bronze chain controls the flushing mechanism on my toilet.

• I own T-shirts.

The next time you make a post, please try to make a point about something real in our relationship.

I'm sick of the bull. And the shit.

– ERIC

Some Lite Reading

I was reading an unpublished study that had no relevant professional citations and was not regarded by any scholars, doctors, professionals or experts. Naturally I believed every word.

The study was called: It's Not You: How to know when your boyfriend is bull shit.

Just for qualification purposes, it came out last month and so far it has gained quite a following. Apparently other women have bull shit boyfriends as well, however I feel that your bull shit is far more advanced than most. (Something that needs to be addressed.) I have spent a lot of time going over the signs in my mind and will now conduct a series of case studies citing said study revealing your behavioral patterns. By the end of this document I hope you will see how everything is...

A) Your fault (even if you don't know about it)
B) I'm always right
C) You should really look in to doing what I say

Everything is your fault.

The unqualified study and my new bible states and I quote. " By being a women you are already vastly more advanced than your male counterparts. Some lenancy should be allowed to the weaker sex due to the fact that they don't have the brain power to think things through properly. Proceed with caution however this fact should not be used as an excuse or allowance of unexceptable behavior, it is but a warning, a disclaimer if you will."

I then realized that I am without fault on all counts regarding everything and you are due to your inferior nature and should bear the brunt of all fault related instances. One specific example comes to mind. Specific Example: I say so.

Next point.....

I'm Always Right:

Nuff said it's science......

You Should Really Look in to Doing What I Say:

This point is really just in your best interest and speaks to the above mentioned points they all tie in to doing what I say. If you are questioning it please see below.....

• I'm smart, you're not
• I'm witty, you're a dullard
• I'm always right, you're always wrong
• Nothing is my fault, Everything is your fault

Now with all that being said I hope we can move forward because ultimately I love you and I only want you to be the best you can be.

Reading the study will be beneficial to you as well so I have provided you with important information to begin your search.

Title: It's Not You: How to Know When Your Boyfriend is Bull Shit
Author: E$

- erin

Look who found the [bold] and [ital] buttons!

And I quote...

"I don't give a shit fuck it."

Smooth. Singlesentencely – boldy, italically, unpunctuationally – you have earned our blog an "R" rating. Fucking great move.

Of course, it's only typical.

You only dropped the F-bomb 13 times in the first quarter at the Celtics game last week. If I were the father of the 10-year-old sitting in front of us, I would have punched you in the funbags. I would also wash your mouth out with soap tonight, but I only have one bar left, and I don't want to clean myself tomorrow morning with a Zestfully bar of shit.

If you're still trying to figure out why your cat is on Prozac, here's a hint: You curse worse than me, like a construction worker with a wrecking ball heading straight for his balls. How 'bout the next time your roommate's dog jumps on your bed, you just say something like, "Get off my bed, you silly dog!" instead of, "Get the fuck off my bed, fucking stupid dogfuck fuckdog."

I'd be on Prozac, too. (Actually, since we've only been together a little while, I probably shouldn't even make that joke. Yay, future!)

Best part is that you like to pretend you're an angel. Today when I texted you, "Seriously we are getting hooked the fuck up" for our trip this weekend, you wrote back "You are such a big deal! I love you..." and you expected me to take that innocently.

No one has ever said "You are such a big deal!" and actually meant it. You are such a big douchebag.

I wrote back, "I wasn't trying to fucking sound cocky." You responded, "You can't infer tone on a text I wasn't being sarcastic I was trying to be cute."

Infer this: Eat me.

– ERIC

My Overcompensating Boyfriend

The title of your post is an embarrassment. You are a writer right? Doesn't that mean I can expect some semblance of creativity from you? You should have just entitled it "I don't give a shit fuck it." Let's get one thing straight grammer is not my thing and if bad grammer is an irritant for you please count on it continuing.

It's laughable that....

1. You don't respond to my post for over a week
2. Have the balls to say that I'm killing a blog for which you pay no attention to
3. Think that you dispelled the neglect issue by trying to distract from the facts with thinly veiled attempts at sarcasm and wit.

For the record don't hate on reruns of 90210 they feed my soul and I know exactly where and at what time to find them, which is more than I can say for my BOYFRIEND, who's too consumed with playing golf trivia games with a Rodney Dangerfield impersonator and yelling at stupid bitches to take 5 minutes out of his day to make his GIRLFRIEND smile with a quick blog post. (I understand that the above might be one of the longest run-on sentences ever.....but that's just how I roll. Deal with it Editor.)

Addressing Prozac Kitty..... and tying this back to your neglect. PK may be a bit lethargic now but again I at least receive love from her.

I'm also trying to get over the fact that you used to word earnest...... I don't know why it bothers me, just know that it does.

- erin